I had a kind of epiphany yesterday evening. Maya was up at her friend Greta’s, after having an overnight here at our place. Two nights before that was her overnight at Marcella’s. (cat poop day) When we picked her up from Greta’s on our way to dinner, she looked kind of out of sorts. We got in to the elevator and I said something inane like, “Are you annoyed about anything?” Seriously, don’t you hate it when people ask you that? I always feel like responding, “Not until just now.”
The words left my mouth at the split second my brain said, “No! Come back!” But of course it was too late. Maya gave me her ‘look’ in response, and I said something non-committal and dropped it, all the while thinking to myself, “Why do I feel the need to question her?” Her snarky attitude lingered for a while, probably longer than it would have had I not opened my mouth. I realized that it was probably exhaustion putting her out of sorts, and that the best course of action was to say nothing. Silence. Parents might be well served to do less talking and more listening if they sense their kids are not in the best of moods. And when I say listen I don’t mean insist on knowing what’s the matter and then waiting for their answer. (Or worse, leading the conversation with phrases like, “are you anxious because of…?”) I mean just don’t talk. If they want to tell you what’s going on, they will. Sometimes they just want to be left alone with their snarkiness, and get over it by themselves. I know I certainly do.
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We parents think we have to ‘fix’ everything. Kid is upset? Our mission is to find the source and ‘fix’ it. Of course, the source might be our constant interrogation. Sometimes I feel irritated for no good reason – nothing I could identify in a coherent way to someone who was insisting I tell them. And the best medicine for me is just to be allowed to feel that way until I feel better or figure out why I’m annoyed on my own time. I bet the same goes for most of you. The golden rule applies. Even to your kids.
