The lost art of conversation

When I started at Earlham College, all incoming Freshmen were required to take Humanities.   At Earlham, which then ran on a trimester schedule, Humanities meant you read 10 books in 10 weeks and wrote a 3-5 page paper each week.  Which was pretty tough, all things considered, but not as tough as what we learned during classroom discussions.

Most Earlham classes were not lecture but discussion based.  Small groups of 15-20 students who would sit in a circle and not at desks.   Humanities introduced us to this format and taught us all how to have a real discussion/conversation.  Rule number one was that you were not allowed to interrupt someone who was speaking.  Ever.  As you can imagine, during the first week or two of classes, the professor spent most of his or her time stopping those who would try to jump in or interrupt.   We all did it.  We all had to train ourselves to listen and wait, and then respond.   The other rule was that, as much as possible, you were to respond to what was being said, and not just spout your own thoughts on the subject without tying it to the conversation around you (and of course, the text being discussed).   This was even more difficult, as sometimes it meant giving up on THAT POINT YOU WERE SURE WAS OF ULTIMATE IMPORTANCE AND EVERYONE NEEDED TO HEAR!!   Sometimes by the time the conversation came around to you, your point had already been covered or was no longer relevant and you had to drop it.  Boy, was that tough!

After 10 weeks, however,  we were pros, and you could walk in to almost any class on campus and find actual conversation happening around a given topic, whether it was literature, language, science or math.  Sometimes conversations were heated and competition to be called on as the next speaker fierce, but interrupting?  Ignoring what someone had said?  That didn’t happen.

I know that, in the (many) years since leaving Earlham, I’ve been as guilty as anyone of backsliding, of interrupting and feeling like I can’t wait to make my two cents heard.  But I always try to be aware and listen to others before responding – sometimes even giving up my own point if it doesn’t seem to fit the flow of the conversation.

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How do you remedy such a situation?  I can’t snap my fingers and have my Humanities professor appear to give us all a refresher in the ‘rules’ or art of conversation.   And saying “Hey, no one is listening to me!” comes off as slightly whiny and egocentric.    My complaint isn’t really that no one was listening to me – no one was listening to anyone. It wasn’t a conversation at all.  It was stressful and unsatisfying and reminded me why I generally don’t go in for group activities anymore.

This is a blog post without a clever ending.  How do you remind people – especially friends – that it’s not really a conversation if no one is listening to each other?  If everyone constantly interrupts in order to continue their own monologue?  How do you convey that without sounding self-important and pompous?

Anyone?